


go down with the ship

by papercr0wns



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Abandonment, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Identity Issues, Implied Sexual Content, Not Beta Read, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s01e18 Juno Steel and the Final Resting Place, Self-Hatred, Stream of Consciousness, but anyways, just like so much of that, ok so first and foremost i would like to apologize, well like. panic attack but a little to the left
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 23:41:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30113838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/papercr0wns/pseuds/papercr0wns
Summary: Nureyev knows that even if he’d been perfect, he still wouldn’t have been enough. Glass was charming, quick-witted, and silver-tongued. Rose was soft-edged, amicable, and a quick learner. But Nureyev? Stripped down the core of him, without all of the masks and the lies and the smoke screens?If you were to lay Peter Nureyev out and cleave him open, you wouldn’t be able to hollow him out. There wouldn’t be anything there to pry away from the meat and bones of him. Maybe if you tried hard enough you’d find a handful of dark, red-tinted memories that stunk like rot and left your hands sticky, but beyond that?There was hardly a person there at all. No one to fall in love with. Nureyev knew that- still knows it. He doesn’t understand how he forgot.or, i was asked to just absolutely go feral and cause So Much Pain and i said ok is that a challenge
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 16
Kudos: 33





	go down with the ship

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bisexualoftheblade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualoftheblade/gifts).



> my beloved cai asked me to just straight-up murder them and i said ok 100% this is something i can make happen for you and then i wrote this in one sitting.
> 
> to be very clear though,, this is Not Happy and you shouldn't read it if you feel like you're not in a place mentally to handle a lot of angst with no resolution. take care of yourself and heed the TWs please i love you so so much <3
> 
> TWs for graphic panic attacks, referenced/implied sexual content (specifically there's references to hickeys), just like,, a lot of self-hatred/negative self-talk, discussion of abandonment, non-graphic vomiting, mentions of blood, and a train of thought it isn't really suicidal ideation but more just like 'if i died i'd be okay with that' 
> 
> title from "real men" by mitski which has big nureyev energy but who am i kidding really this is just "nobody" (by mitski) but fanfic flavored

It doesn’t hit him, initially. No, when Nureyev wakes to an empty room- no note, no items left behind, no  _ trace _ \- all he can think is ‘ _ Oh. Maybe I should have expected that.’ _

So he gets up, packs his bag in under five minutes, puts on a face of makeup that looks nothing like him or Rose or Glass, wipes down the room for fingerprints, and pretends his hands don’t shake as he does it. He almost slips, once, as he cakes color corrector and foundation over the bruises littered across his throat and collarbones and shoulders. One of the marks won’t cover quite right- it’s darker than the others, starting to purple at the edges- and he remembers the way Juno had spent extra time there, just below his ear, had pulled him down and breathlessly whispered  _ you’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me. _ Nureyev has to set the bottle of foundation down so he doesn’t shatter the glass component. He tucks the feeling away in a sealed bag and throws it in the trash with his half-empty bottle of cologne at the door.

Nureyev manages to leave the hotel, hail a cab, and get through spaceport security without incident. When he goes to check the gate number on his ticket, though, there’s-

There’s two of them. Two tickets to a resort planet on the edge of Saturn’s orbit. They’re for two seats in the middle of three aisles. Away from the windows, Nureyev remembers, so Juno wouldn’t have to worry about looking away from them when the ship lifted off.

Nureyev nearly bowls over several other people in his rush to get to the bathrooms and doesn’t care, doesn’t spare them a second glance. The bathrooms are the nicer kind with cyclical, flashing advertisements on the walls and floor-to-ceiling doors that actually latch properly, which Nureyev is disgustingly grateful for as he shakily slips the lock into place and crumples into a heap against the door.

From this angle, he can see the faint sheen of red dust that’s settled into the grout between the chrome-white tiles. He feels numb. He can’t breathe. His heart is beating fast enough to hurt and he doesn’t  _ care.  _

Juno  _ left.  _ Juno had kissed him and carded his fingers through his hair and torn up his shirt to bandage Nureyev’s burns and painted his skin with gentle bruises and told him  _ you’re the damn best thing that’s ever happened to me  _ and then he’d  _ left  _ and Nureyev doesn’t understand any of it. 

Had he pushed too hard or too fast or too little? Had he said something, missed something, nipped at some sore spot he shouldn’t have? Did any of it even  _ matter?  _

Nureyev knows that even if he’d been perfect, he still wouldn’t have been enough. Glass was charming, quick-witted, and silver-tongued. Rose was soft-edged, amicable, and a quick learner. But  _ Nureyev?  _ Stripped down the core of him, without all of the masks and the lies and the smoke screens?

If you were to lay Peter Nureyev out and cleave him open, you wouldn’t be able to hollow him out. There wouldn’t be anything there to pry away from the meat and bones of him. Maybe if you tried hard enough you’d find a handful of dark, red-tinted memories that stunk like rot and left your hands sticky, but beyond that? 

There was hardly a person there at all. No one to fall in love with. Nureyev knew that-  _ still _ knows it. He doesn’t understand how he forgot.

Still, he- he could have been  _ better,  _ surely. There must have been something he could have said or done that would have made Juno want to tuck himself into the empty cavern that was Peter Nureyev and piece the dust and shattered glass into something whole again. 

If Nureyev were to scrape himself up off the bathroom tile now and go find Juno, and he  _ could,  _ there would be something he could say. Some mask to put on that would make Juno fall in love with him again.  _ Surely _ there was, but- 

Would it be worth it, really? To risk crawling back only to have Juno scoff at him, to look him up and down and say  _ I left you for a reason.  _

Nureyev doesn’t remember when he started crying but now he can’t stop. They’re big, ugly sobs, too- the type he doesn’t usually allow himself, but there’s no one here to see him, now. He’s alone and he’s never felt that way before.

He wants Juno back, wants Juno to hold him, wants to hear Juno take on some soft tone and call him- Call him what? Nureyev doesn’t know what Juno calls his lovers. Nureyev had never  _ been  _ his lover, had he? Juno isn’t the type of person to walk out on someone he loves, Nureyev’s sure of that, so, then-

Nureyev curls around the toilet and heaves. His throat and chest burn and he’s hot and cold all at once and he doesn’t feel any of it. He wants to curl up on the cold, dust-red floor of the spaceport bathroom and rot there. There isn’t anything left of him that hasn’t already died, anyways. Juno had swept all of his good parts up into a bin and left with them tucked beneath his arm, Nureyev’s sure of it. He wants to scratch at the bruises on his skin until he bleeds.

But he can’t. Instead, Nureyev lies there and lets himself fall apart on the tile floor. 

When he leaves, he doesn’t sweep up those broken pieces. He lets them lay jagged and bloodied and leaves the name  _ Juno Steel  _ there with them.

**Author's Note:**

> i am uhh,,, very sorry,,, i hope you're okay ilysm. i have fluff posted here too if you want,, please take care of yourself and drink water ily ily <3 <3
> 
> come bully me on tumblr @gently-used-fairytale (or just come ask for a hug i'll give you a hug asjhds)
> 
> -ec


End file.
